CW Editor’s Thesaurus Worried Daddy’s Been Drinking Again

Overhearing the clang of ice cubes being dropped in a fresh drink, Crimson White Opinion Editor Richard Foster's thesaurus began frantically searching for a new place to hide from its verbose owner, knowing it was only a matter of time until it would once again be called into service, forced to furnish absurdly superfluous language … Continue reading CW Editor’s Thesaurus Worried Daddy’s Been Drinking Again

TPD Monthly Safety Tip Just List Of Different Ways To Avoid TPD

Representing a renewed effort to ensure the safety of its citizens, the Tuscaloosa Police Department's monthly safety tip advised residents to do everything in their power to avoid encountering a member of the department under any circumstances. Citing recent incidences of local law enforcement officers failing to protect citizens, using excessive violence to enforce noise complaints, and … Continue reading TPD Monthly Safety Tip Just List Of Different Ways To Avoid TPD

Sophomore Completes 1,000,000th Hour Of River Cleanup

University officials recognized sophomore Caleb Johnson for completing one million hours of community service this semester, thanking Johnson for his dedication to keeping the banks of the Black Warrior River clean. Johnson reached the landmark this Sunday, when he completed ninety-seven hours of service before calling it quits for the day. "Caleb has shown a … Continue reading Sophomore Completes 1,000,000th Hour Of River Cleanup

Pledge Sister Won’t Shut Up About Three Week Study Abroad Class

Friends and classmates of Rachel Swanson reported that in spite of their evident lack of interest in her repetitive anecdotes and derivate references, Swanson, a junior Chi Omega, appears utterly incapable of talking about anything other than her twenty-two day study abroad trip to Greece, during which time Ms. Swanson alleges to have made the … Continue reading Pledge Sister Won’t Shut Up About Three Week Study Abroad Class

Recent UA Grad Finally Realizes Geography Degree Has Nothing To Do With Maps

Weeks after his graduation from The University of Alabama, geography major and functioning alcoholic Colton Middleton finally discovered the harrowing truth that his major has nothing to do with maps, or land, or anything even close to that. Having failed to gain employment from a leading atlas manufacturer and being denied admission by every elite … Continue reading Recent UA Grad Finally Realizes Geography Degree Has Nothing To Do With Maps

Senior Girl Plans To Settle Down With Next Guy To Show Interest In Her

  Having spent three years holding out for a tall, handsome, intelligent individual to commit to for the rest of her life, senior Interior Design major Rachel Clements announced her intention to just take whatever she can get at this point, provided the individual has the means to support her extravagant spending habits and tolerate … Continue reading Senior Girl Plans To Settle Down With Next Guy To Show Interest In Her

Heat Hikes Prices to Target Niche Market of Eccentric Billionaires

Failing to hit profit goals for the second quarter in a row, Heat Pizza Bar has shocked many with its most recent price hike. Following the 5% increase, a cheese pizza will now cost $295 plus tax. Students have expressed outrage over yet another price increase, but Tuscaloosa's niche market of billionaire entrepreneurs seems pleased. … Continue reading Heat Hikes Prices to Target Niche Market of Eccentric Billionaires

Rounders Patrons Look On In Envy At VIP Table Of Just Seven Dudes

Sources confirmed that upon the arrival of seven mysterious socialites to Rounders Bar around 10 PM Friday night, the entire crowd could be seen staring in awe as the group of four members of Phi Delta Theta and three members of Sigma Nu filed into a corner VIP booth before resecuring the surrounding velvet rope … Continue reading Rounders Patrons Look On In Envy At VIP Table Of Just Seven Dudes

Study: Everybody Who Says They Enjoyed Their Internship Dirty Fucking Liars

After wrapping up their groundbreaking study early Tuesday morning, top researchers in the fields of psychology and sociology were able to confirm that of the vocal minority of students claiming to have enjoyed their summer internships in the fields of finance, medicine, law, and nearly every other potential profession, every single one of them is … Continue reading Study: Everybody Who Says They Enjoyed Their Internship Dirty Fucking Liars

Post Office Pies Fondly Reminisces On Ten Day Period When They Were The Cool New Pizza Bar

Staring through a window fogged by hours of heavy breath, owner of local artisan pizzeria Post Office Pies John Turing spoke whimsically of the brief period of time their restaurant, not the dreaded Heat Pizza Bar a few hundred yards away, was the happening new pizza place in town, boasting large crowds of eager diners … Continue reading Post Office Pies Fondly Reminisces On Ten Day Period When They Were The Cool New Pizza Bar