Girl’s Laissez-Faire Approach To Dog Ownership Doesn’t Seem To Be Working Out


Roommates of Junior Phi Mu Ashley Jacobs told reporters Wednesday that her apparent laissez-faire, or “hands-off” method of dog ownership, in which she rarely feeds, plays with, or cleans up after her eight month old English Spaniel, may not actually be the best way to care for a living, breathing animal with very real basic needs.

“I don’t know why she even got the dog. We all told her not to get the fucking dog. It shits everywhere and she never cleans up after it,” remarked Jacobs’ roommate Alex Lowe. “If she treats it this way now I can’t imagine what she’s gonna do when she decides it’s not cute enough for Instagram any more.”

“She only trained it for like a week,” said Lowe. “And honestly I think that was just for the Snapchats. I don’t remember a time she was training it when she wasn’t having one of us video it for her. I genuinely believe she is the absolute worst person in the world to own a dog.”

The dog, named Belle—because of course it is—displayed an obvious fear of human contact and appeared to be partially covered in dried feces. Despite multiple attempts by her owner to call her by name, the emaciated Spaniel, apparently unaware of Jacobs’ summons, remained huddled under the couch, where she spends an average of eighteen hours a day.

At press time, Belle was briefly rustled from her hiding place in order to allow her owner to experiment with putting the Snapchat doggy face on both herself and the dog simultaneously. After around 45 seconds of failed attempts, Belle was allowed to return to her sanctuary while her owner went to take a Xanax.

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