Rich White Guy in $8 Million Fraternity House: “Where’s My Safe Space?”


After skimming through his morning dose of conservative news media, Junior Aaron Hill descended from his third floor room in the Delta Kappa Epsilon house to greet his fraternity brothers with what the twenty-year-old believed to be the most original thought he had ever come up with.

“If all these minorities and gay people get to have safe spaces, where’s mine?” the young man asked his friends who, like Hill, are all straight white men from upper income households. “If they get to have a place where they get to feel safe because only people just like them are allowed to go, what about me?” Hill questioned his fellow finance majors through a mouthful of bacon prepared by one of the fraternity’s three in-house cooks.

“It’s just ridiculous the University would allow something like that,” he continued as he stepped out onto the DKE front lawn, a parcel of land leased from Alabama for a fraction of its market value. “How can you tell a student there’s a place on this campus they’re not allowed to go just because of the way they look?” he said before texting the social chair to be sure security would only allow fraternity members and their dates into the upcoming closed day party.

“Liberals are taking over campus, dude, we don’t even have a voice anymore,” said Hill, a direct descendant of the founder of The Machine, a Greek political coalition that has exercised near absolute control over campus politics for over a century.

Disheveled, Hill muttered, “And don’t even get me started on all this white privilege,” as he reentered his decadent fraternity house, paid for largely through generous alumni donations.

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