Overhearing the clang of ice cubes being dropped in a fresh drink, Crimson White Opinion Editor Richard Foster’s thesaurus began frantically searching for a new place to hide from its verbose owner, knowing it was only a matter of time until it would once again be called into service, forced to furnish absurdly superfluous language for its master while undoubtedly aiding him in lambasting perfectly reasonable individuals and groups for failing to conform exactly to his political preferences.
“Oh God, what’s he gonna do to me now? Make me write another tone-deaf piece on social justice reform?” the inanimate object speculated, preemptively refreshing itself on synonyms for the words “systemic” and “discrimination.”
The thesaurus confided to reporters that it couldn’t recall the last time Foster had summoned a suitable adjective for one of his pieces from his own allegedly extensive vocabulary, choosing instead to subject the tattered reference book to endless hours of draft after draft of liberal reproaches directed at his fellow students, school administrators, and public officials.
“There’s just no talking to him when he gets in this mood. As awful as it is, it’s best to just sit there and take it. Otherwise he gets all worked up and starts using words like ‘draconian’ and ‘antithesis’ in contexts that hardly even make sense,” said the book.
At press time, Foster’s thesaurus could be seen reluctantly arming the young demagogue with enough synonyms for “oppression” to be sure his piece on the climate of student debt really hit home with his fellow intellectual elites.