Representing a renewed effort to ensure the safety of its citizens, the Tuscaloosa Police Department’s monthly safety tip advised residents to do everything in their power to avoid encountering a member of the department under any circumstances.
Citing recent incidences of local law enforcement officers failing to protect citizens, using excessive violence to enforce noise complaints, and relying on military force to raid campus dormitories, TPD acknowledged that while this month’s safety tip may be obvious to most residents, it never hurts to remind everyone of the importance of living in constant fear of the department’s authoritarian practices.
The safety advisory went on to explain that despite the department’s best efforts to discipline officers through stern written warnings and the occasional paid leave, TPD officers often fall into old habits such as blatantly ignoring citizens’ constitutional rights. The friendly note also reminded residents that if they do someday face the distinct displeasure of encountering a TPD officer, it is best to refrain from exercising these rights, as this has been known to provoke officers into de-escalating conflicts through affectionate tasing.
Finally, the reminder listed the sort of activities that may illicit a violent encounter with a TPD officer, including: playing music at an above average volume, refusing to allow unlawful search and seizure of personal property, and allegedly possessing small amounts of marijuana. For their own safety, citizens were advised not only to avoid these acts but also to refrain from any activity that could lead to officers justifying earning yet another paid leave, a disciplinary action that has been used so frequently in recent years that many local travel agencies now specialize in planning exotic trips for TPD officers while administrators “investigate” alleged officer wrongdoing.
Disclaimer: The University of Alabama Police Department (UAPD) has consistently acted with the utmost degree of care and professionalism in carrying out their duties and should serve as an example of how to amicably serve and protect citizens while acting within the confines of the law. UAPD officers regularly go out of their way to keep students safe, and it is always clear that UAPD truly cares about those they serve.
Note: In the event of an emergency it is always best to contact law enforcement. This article is satirical and should in no way discourage anyone from relying on the Tuscaloosa Police Department or any other law enforcement agency to fulfill their duties.