Senior Cements Legacy By Drinking Six Beers Before Dawn, Telling Everybody About It

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Early Saturday morning, stating that he’d better make his last Bid Day the best one yet, senior Theta Chi Brian Niblett confided to a close group of friends as well as the hundreds of strangers around him that he was “a half dozen brews deep before the sun came up,” an impressive feat Niblett accomplished after rising at 5 AM Saturday and promptly cracking his first beer before waking the other twenty-one residents of the Theta Chi fraternity house.

Detailing his purportedly revolutionary “Kegs and Eggs” program, the wily veteran excitedly assured those within earshot that “you can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning” before brandishing toward his tank top emblazoned with the slogan “No Means Yes, Yes Means Anal” to a nearby adult couple and their three young children.

The remarkably inebriated young man proceeded further down Magnolia Lane, stopping only to inform each new sorority member he passed of his accomplishment as well as to invite them to an impromptu gathering he was planning for later on this afternoon exclusively for new members and their mothers, emphasizing his intent to “Give every single one of you the most satisfying fourteen seconds of your lives.”

Evidently undeterred by the lack of enthusiasm his accomplishment had garnered, onlookers confirmed Niblett could be seen entering the vehicle of a fraternity pledge at press time, stating that he intended to, “tell you the fourteen secrets to earning respect in this house” before being whisked away to an off-campus location.

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