Bid Day Special: Evangelical Parents Bid Farewell To Freshman Daughter Hours Before She Succumbs To Satan’s Temptations



Expressing reluctant optimism regarding their oft-influentiable daughter’s choice of sorority, devout Evangelists Mark and Tracy Walters kissed their daughter goodbye Saturday afternoon after congratulating her on her newfound membership in Pi Beta Phi sorority.

“It’s just nice to know you raised her right.” said Mr. Walters on the ride home, just around the time their daughter began having liquor mercilessly poured down her throat by her new sorority sisters.

“Yes, I’m so happy we know we can trust her to make the right decisions without us there.” remarked Tracy as, mere miles away, their daughter accepted her first cup of a mysterious fruity concoction from an equally mysterious older fraternity boy.

“Seems like just yesterday she was starting her first day of kindergarten. Remember those pigtails?” mused Mark, lacking the slightest notion that his daughter was at the very same time French kissing two of her new pledge sisters after inhaling a generous amount of cocaine.

Later on in the car ride home, the oblivious couple reminisced on young Abigail’s baptism whilst their daughter enthusiastically fellated an acquaintance of her temporary big in the backseat of a pledge’s car.

Preparing for bed that night in anticipation of church the next morning, Mr. and Mrs. Walters prayed for Abigail to be blessed with strength and courage in the upcoming months, unaware that she was currently encouraging two recent acquaintances to “just bend me over and split me open like a coconut.”

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