Having spent three years holding out for a tall, handsome, intelligent individual to commit to for the rest of her life, senior Interior Design major Rachel Clements announced her intention to just take whatever she can get at this point, provided the individual has the means to support her extravagant spending habits and tolerate her volatile personality. Recognizing a shrinking dating pool and a desperate need to find a husband before being forced into actually getting a job, Clements confirmed her reprioritization Monday morning whilst aggressively searching Facebook for anyone with a professional headshot as his profile picture.
Clements’ announcement was foreshadowed last week by her asking pledge sisters if they “have any cute engineering friends,” as well as reaching out to both the valedictorian and salutatorian of her Vestavia Hills High School graduation class, neither of whom expressed a particular interest in her.
Reiterating that she has reached her absolute breaking point, Clements assured those close to her that no matter the circumstances, she fully intends to be engaged by the summer of 2018, but would prefer her future husband—who again could be nearly anyone—to pop the question by February in order to allow for a summer wedding. The twenty-one year old conceded, however, that she would be willing to settle for a New Year’s Eve wedding if necessary, acknowledging that having the wedding then would be more of an inconvenience for her friends and family, which would fit into her goal of having the most inconvenient wedding possible.
Stating that while waiting patiently to find the man of her dreams might appeal to some, Clements said that living an independent bachelorette lifestyle would truly be an agonizingly jarring experience for her, and that she plans to enthusiastically fall for the the next young man to show even a passing interest in her.
At press time, Clements was seen quizzing her roommate on what exactly a Computer Science major was and where she might hope to meet one.