Presigned Lease Only Reason Burnout Still Enrolled


Junior SAE Bradley Armstrong’s father confirmed friends’ suspicions that Armstrong’s continued enrollment at the University of Alabama in spite of a remarkable two year run of failed classes and major changes was solely due to his having signed an incredibly costly lease early last fall, forcing his dad to send him back to school after repeatedly failing to find a subleaser.

Those close to Armstrong attributed his 0.3 GPA this past semester to a general sense of apathy toward his academics, remarking that no matter the size of an upcoming exam or project, Bradley never seemed to show any form of anxiety at all, confident that his having taken each class twice before would guarantee success this time around.

“Brad’s just a chill guy who’s still trying to figure his shit out,” explained pledge brother Andrew Bolton. “He’ll get it together for sure this year though. Both of his roommates have Vyvance prescriptions.”

While moving into his new home Sunday, Armstrong ordered one of his newboy movers to set up his dab rig while he searched for an unused “whippet” canister, two of the three substances that, along with Xanax, Armstrong’s pledge brothers asserted led to his having eliminated any remaining short term memory he had left, an accomplishment that they speculated will surely lead to the Atlanta native’s continued academic struggles.

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