Beta Newboy Yet To Realize The Gravity Of His Terrible Mistake


Sources reported freshman Richard Thompson excitedly emerged from the Beta Theta Pi bandroom Wednesday afternoon with no idea his acceptance of a bid from the oft-ridiculed fraternity had all but cemented his college career into being filled with demeaning and cruel rhetoric directed towards Thompson as a result of his newfound fraternity.

In what would be his last few moments of peace before entering into nearly half a decade of guaranteed public ridicule, Thompson innocently remarked on Beta’s solid location and pristine house, blissfully ignorant of the ensuing years of backhanded comments and blatant insults toward him and his choice of Greek organization.

Onlookers stated the Beta pledge carried the sort of confidence one would develop over years of being a kind of feminine nerdy kid that people hung out with because he had a cool dad, or something like that, before predicting Thompson’s bold smile and peppy attitude would soon dissipate, due initially to the slight rigors of Beta pledgeship, but exponentially more once Thompson came to the realization that he had committed himself to the most derided, abhorrent student organization on campus.

Active members of Beta looked on nostalgically at their young recruit, fondly recalling their own experiences of slowly realizing that the decidedly unpleasant experience of fraternity pledgeship was merely an orientation into the hellish existence of being an active member of their particular fraternity.

At press time, Thompson and his pledge brothers, eager for their first pledge party, were expressing their confusion as to why they were evidently incapable of getting in touch with the pledge class social chair of any sorority on campus despite reaching out to nearly every single one.

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