CW Editor’s Thesaurus Worried Daddy’s Been Drinking Again

Overhearing the clang of ice cubes being dropped in a fresh drink, Crimson White Opinion Editor Richard Foster's thesaurus began frantically searching for a new place to hide from its verbose owner, knowing it was only a matter of time until it would once again be called into service, forced to furnish absurdly superfluous language … Continue reading CW Editor’s Thesaurus Worried Daddy’s Been Drinking Again

Girl’s Laissez-Faire Approach To Dog Ownership Doesn’t Seem To Be Working Out

Roommates of Junior Phi Mu Ashley Jacobs told reporters Wednesday that her apparent laissez-faire, or "hands-off" method of dog ownership, in which she rarely feeds, plays with, or cleans up after her eight month old English Spaniel, may not actually be the best way to care for a living, breathing animal with very real basic needs. … Continue reading Girl’s Laissez-Faire Approach To Dog Ownership Doesn’t Seem To Be Working Out

TPD Monthly Safety Tip Just List Of Different Ways To Avoid TPD

Representing a renewed effort to ensure the safety of its citizens, the Tuscaloosa Police Department's monthly safety tip advised residents to do everything in their power to avoid encountering a member of the department under any circumstances. Citing recent incidences of local law enforcement officers failing to protect citizens, using excessive violence to enforce noise complaints, and … Continue reading TPD Monthly Safety Tip Just List Of Different Ways To Avoid TPD

Rich White Guy in $8 Million Fraternity House: “Where’s My Safe Space?”

After skimming through his morning dose of conservative news media, Junior Aaron Hill descended from his third floor room in the Delta Kappa Epsilon house to greet his fraternity brothers with what the twenty-year-old believed to be the most original thought he had ever come up with. "If all these minorities and gay people get … Continue reading Rich White Guy in $8 Million Fraternity House: “Where’s My Safe Space?”

Sophomore Completes 1,000,000th Hour Of River Cleanup

University officials recognized sophomore Caleb Johnson for completing one million hours of community service this semester, thanking Johnson for his dedication to keeping the banks of the Black Warrior River clean. Johnson reached the landmark this Sunday, when he completed ninety-seven hours of service before calling it quits for the day. "Caleb has shown a … Continue reading Sophomore Completes 1,000,000th Hour Of River Cleanup

Pledge Sister Won’t Shut Up About Three Week Study Abroad Class

Friends and classmates of Rachel Swanson reported that in spite of their evident lack of interest in her repetitive anecdotes and derivate references, Swanson, a junior Chi Omega, appears utterly incapable of talking about anything other than her twenty-two day study abroad trip to Greece, during which time Ms. Swanson alleges to have made the … Continue reading Pledge Sister Won’t Shut Up About Three Week Study Abroad Class

Recent UA Grad Finally Realizes Geography Degree Has Nothing To Do With Maps

Weeks after his graduation from The University of Alabama, geography major and functioning alcoholic Colton Middleton finally discovered the harrowing truth that his major has nothing to do with maps, or land, or anything even close to that. Having failed to gain employment from a leading atlas manufacturer and being denied admission by every elite … Continue reading Recent UA Grad Finally Realizes Geography Degree Has Nothing To Do With Maps

Bid Day Special: Evangelical Parents Bid Farewell To Freshman Daughter Hours Before She Succumbs To Satan’s Temptations

  Expressing reluctant optimism regarding their oft-influentiable daughter's choice of sorority, devout Evangelists Mark and Tracy Walters kissed their daughter goodbye Saturday afternoon after congratulating her on her newfound membership in Pi Beta Phi sorority. "It's just nice to know you raised her right." said Mr. Walters on the ride home, just around the time … Continue reading Bid Day Special: Evangelical Parents Bid Farewell To Freshman Daughter Hours Before She Succumbs To Satan’s Temptations

Senior Cements Legacy By Drinking Six Beers Before Dawn, Telling Everybody About It

Early Saturday morning, stating that he'd better make his last Bid Day the best one yet, senior Theta Chi Brian Niblett confided to a close group of friends as well as the hundreds of strangers around him that he was "a half dozen brews deep before the sun came up," an impressive feat Niblett accomplished … Continue reading Senior Cements Legacy By Drinking Six Beers Before Dawn, Telling Everybody About It

Senior Girl Plans To Settle Down With Next Guy To Show Interest In Her

  Having spent three years holding out for a tall, handsome, intelligent individual to commit to for the rest of her life, senior Interior Design major Rachel Clements announced her intention to just take whatever she can get at this point, provided the individual has the means to support her extravagant spending habits and tolerate … Continue reading Senior Girl Plans To Settle Down With Next Guy To Show Interest In Her